


Dance Miserable

by buzzedbee20



Category: White Collar
Genre: 2015 WC Big Bang, Angst, F/M, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sara AU, Season 3-4 Au, break ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 05:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5362550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzedbee20/pseuds/buzzedbee20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After one misguided interaction with her ex-boyfriend, Neal Caffrey, Sara Ellis finds herself in a predicament she could have never wished for or expected. She's expecting. Rather than withhold this information from him, she goes to Neal in person to talk about what they should do next. The day of the commutation  Neal flees the country before the committee is able to announce their decision; without so much as a note to anyone. Sara is left to make her choice alone.  As she tries to cope with her new life, she is also trying to cope with the sudden disappearance of Neal. His exit dredges up memories of her sister, and the way her family fell apart. Before Neal, she never would have imagined having a family of her own. Both of her parents, and especially her mother, distanced themselves from her, and by the time Sara became an adult, her career was the only thing that mattered to her. Now she will have to figure out how to add a baby to her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Dance Miserable  
>  **Artist:** cookielaura  
>  **Author:** buzzbee17  
>  **Word Count:**  
>  **Characters/Pairings:** Sara/Neal, Peter  
>  **Rating:** R  
>  **Warnings:** Mentions of abortion, miscarriage  
>  **Spoilers:** End of season 3  
>  **Summary: **  
> **  
> A/N:Its done. This was a labor of so much, I don't know, effort I guess. Its my first work over 10k and I'm just proud that I made it past that. I'm glad its done, and I hope its enjoyed.**

Sara Ellis wasn’t a woman that was easily frightened. She took pride in that fact; ever since college she wasn’t afraid to go up against the strictest professor and in her career she could match the imposing strength of men twice her size with a well-timed stare or a swing of her baton if necessary. She had a strong will and a strong stomach. But today, her strength left her, and she felt nauseous. Sara was sitting in her bathroom scared shitless, all because of a little plastic stick with two lines on it.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw up. She wanted to scream, but none of those things would help her out of this predicament. She reflected on how she got to the place she was in, and of course, like most of her problems recently, she could trace the cause back to Neal Caffrey.

She should have known better than to fall into bed with Neal again after their case with the Stradivarius. But her near-death experience with Brian, and her own longing and memories of what they almost had had turned one ‘post-case’ glass of wine into three, and before she knew it their clothes were half off and she was kissing Neal with a hunger she had never felt with Brian. In the light of day, she thought she remembered him pulling on a condom, but she was too intent on escaping his apartment to check for a condom wrapper. And she certainly didn’t have the compunction to wake him up and ask. She was on birth control though, so it shouldn’t have mattered. If she hadn’t been slightly hung over, or needing to get home to dress for a meeting, she might have stopped by the pharmacy for Plan B. But she didn’t, and now she was paying the price.

Could she really be pregnant with Neal’s baby? It had only been a few weeks, but her period was never late. It was a full 8 days after it should have started, and her latent worry had finally come to the forefront, forcing her to go to the drugstore 2 miles from her apartment for a pregnancy test. No way was she going where they would remember her face. It could still be a fluke though. Even reading the box for the “early response” pregnancy test, it was only 92% effective. She peed on the stick, set a phone alarm and waited, clinging to that 8% of hope for about 33 seconds, until her phone rang. The caller ID said “Peter Burke”. Of course.

She let it go three rings before walking out of the bathroom and picking up. If she didn’t Peter would leave a message, and then she’d have to call him back. Much better to get it out of the way now.

“Hello?”

“Hi Sara, its Peter Burke.”

Obviously, was her first thought, but she held her tongue and spoke. “Hi Peter, how are you?”

“I’m good, and you?”

“I’m alright,” she lied. “To what do I owe the call?”

“Well I never got to touch base with you after your case with Neal a few weeks ago, and I wanted to see how it went.”

It figured. Of course the one person she didn’t want to think about was the person that she was now forced to talk about.

“Everything went fine, Peter. Besides the few incidents we had, the case was solved and the Stradivarius is back where it belongs.”

A few incidents, which were, finding out her ex-fiancé was a murderer, and his subsequent attempt to use her life as leverage. No big deal. In her mind she could still see the dead violin specialist bleeding on the floor. The thought made her stomach turn. She swallowed and continued.

“Neal was a model consultant. That’s what you wanted to know right?”

“Yeah, thanks. It wasn’t too difficult for you right? I know you guys didn’t part on the best terms.”

Difficult, like sleeping with your ex-con ex-boyfriend and now thinking you’re pregnant with his baby?

“No, everything was fine. What do you really want to know, Peter?” He was hedging, and Sara had enough experience with Neal to be able to tell. Peter cleared his throat and she knew she was right.

“Well I don’t know if Neal told you, but he’s up for commutation in a few weeks.”

“Commutation? Like of his sentence?”

“Yeah, if he gets it, he’ll be off the anklet, and essentially a free man." 

Sara felt like she’d been slapped. Why hadn’t Neal mentioned this to her at all?

“Sara? You alright?” Oh right, Peter was still on the phone.

“Uh yeah, just surprised. He didn’t, uh, say anything.”

“Why am I not surprised. I’m sorry Sara, I know a phone call isn’t the best way to hear this. But there’s going to be a hearing, and he needs character witnesses. Maybe you should talk to Neal first, before you decide either way.”

“Yeah…you’ll be a witness right? What are you going to say?” Peter gave a humorless chuckle.

“That’s the million dollar question. I don’t know yet, honestly. But don’t let that influence you. Like I said, talk to Neal, and make your decision then.”

“Yeah.” She sighed.

“And Sara?”

“Yes Peter?”

“If you need anything, you can call me or Elizabeth any time. You know that, right?”

“Yeah Peter, I do."

“Of course you do. Alright, bye Sara.”

She hung up and felt lightheaded enough to sit down. Now she had to talk to Neal. It was inevitable that she’d have to talk to him at some point with the situation, but there might not be anything to tell and she wouldn’t have had to communicate with him at all. But now, Peter had given her a reason to. Though, if Neal hadn’t told her about his commutation, there had to be a reason why. Maybe he thought she would say something about the treasure.

She hadn’t given him a reason to think that, but thinking over the whole treasure fiasco; her role in leading Matthew Keller to Neal, and ultimately his kidnapping of Elizabeth Burke, she hadn’t given him a reason not to. In her relationship with Neal, there were a lot of secrets between them. She didn’t have many questions, and Neal wasn’t providing many answers. Sara hadn’t really cared at the time. She was dating a felon with a tracking anklet. If she couldn’t deal with a few secrets, she wouldn’t have dated Neal in the first place.

Her phone buzzed in her hand, shutting down her train of thought. With the feeling of someone about to face the firing squad, she slowly walked back into the bathroom. She stood at the threshold, looking at the stick balanced on the sink. She couldn’t see it from where she was standing, but she figured she might as well try and put off the inevitable as long as she could.

She stood staring for about a minute before realizing how silly she was being. Staring at it wasn’t going to make it go away. She walked into the bathroom, snatched the test up, looked at it, and promptly dropped it. It clattered to the floor, and Sara bent down to retrieve it. Two pink lines. Uh oh. Her blood went cold, and she wobbled where she was balancing on her ankles. She tried to reach backwards to sit on the tub, but her palms were sweating, and she had to sit on the floor. Two pink lines. Well shit.

First things first. She would have to make an appointment with her gynecologist. As far as she was concerned, this was just a very surreal nightmare until she got medical confirmation. They were able to get her in for the next week and she felt like she might be able to get a lid on her ever-mounting panic. 

One week. She could call Neal now, or she could wait.


	2. Chapter 2

She still hadn't come up with an answer to her biggest question even as she was hailing the cab that would take her to Riverside Drive. Tell Neal, tell Neal, how was she supposed to tell Neal? Hey, so I know you're up for commutation in a few weeks but I just wanted to mention I'm pregnant with your kid! Yeah, that would go over well. She'd had enough time to think about it. She'd asked to see him. He'd said yes. Time was up. She took a deep breath lifted her hand to knock, and hesitated. 

She could still turn back. She didn't have to tell him. Both of their lives would be just as complicated if she turned around, called that clinic and went on with her life, pretending that this never happened. But she owed Neal something. Though she wasn't exactly sure what, she knew, morally, it wouldn't be right to leave without being honest with him about her situation. Their situation. She took another breath and knocked. 

It took a moment before she heard shuffling behind the familiar door. It reminded her of another time she came to Neal Caffrey’s door, intent on arresting him. He seemed like he’d been half expecting her then. This time when he opened the door, he knew it was her. 

“Sara, it’s good to see you,” He said comfortably. 

“Hi Neal,” she said with a lighthearted air she didn’t really feel. “Can I come in?” 

She was shaking inside, trying not to shift her weight on her heels. 

“Sure,” he said, giving her a slightly concerned glance before stepping out of the way to let her in. “You okay?”

Of course he would pick up on her unease. She deflected, instantly.

“Of course; but I heard about your commutation?”

“Oh yeah, that.” His face fell, and she was safe for the moment. 

“That, yeah. Peter told me.” 

Neal barely contained his eyeroll. “Of course he did.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Neal looked slightly defensive, which was new for her, to be able to see him uncomfortable for a change. “Since everything was going so well, I didn’t want you to think that it was because I wanted to get something from you.”

She wasn’t expecting that answer. “Oh. That was, truthful.”

“Yeah, I’m trying something new.” His face was soft, but she still didn’t want to put her guard down. Things always changed in a blink with Neal. 

“That’s good to hear,” Sara said, at a loss for what else to say. She could understand why he didn’t want to tell her, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. She didn’t have much time to think on it though, as Neal started talking again.

“So Sara, since we’re telling the truth, why did you come tonight?” 

She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t say it yet, she deflected again. “To talk about your commutation. You need character witnesses, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” Neal said, with a tone that let her know clearly he could tell she was avoiding something. “But you don’t have to be one, I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated.” He walked around to the couch and she followed.

“Sit down for a minute Sara, if you don’t mind? I’ve just been on my feet all day with me and Peter’s last case. You know how it is in New York.” 

She did, and she took the excuse to sit as Neal left her and retrieved the glass of wine he must have been drinking before she came. 

He offered her a glass but she declined. Which made him look at her sideways again. 

“I’m on a new diet,” She said flippantly. “I would like to be a witness. For you, I mean. If that’s okay?” 

Neal thought about it for a moment. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll let you be a witness, if you tell me what’s bothering you so much that it brought you over to my apartment for the first time in two months.” He looked at her expectantly.

“Oh, right.” She hadn't rehearsed this, but she wasn’t going to blurt it out, she was going to be clear and talk to him, and it wasn’t going to be terrible and-

“Sara? Sara?” 

“Huh?” Shit.

“You were staring. Into space.” Neal was definitely concerned now. “Are you sure everything is okay?” 

Here it was, her big opening. “Uh Neal, remember a few weeks ago, when I was over here?”

“I remember waking up alone pretty clearly.” His tone was joking, but she could see the slight hurt in his eyes that he tried to disguise as sarcasm. She couldn’t dwell on that too much, or else she’d never get this out.

“Yeah, right, well, about that…”

Neal suddenly shifted to face her fully, causing his knee to touch hers as he turned his body. 

“Sara. Listen. This is me you’re talking to. Whatever you have to say, I can take it.” 

HIs grip on her shoulders was tender but firm, and his blue eyes were looking at her intently. For a brief moment, she felt grounded, safe. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

Neal blinked, and blinked again. He mouth opened, and his eyebrows went up, but no sound came out of him. 

“Neal?”

“Oh,” was all he said as he fixed his features and removed his hands from her shoulders and put them on his knees. He looked back at her. 

“Uh, wow.” He looked like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. She knew the feeling. 

“Not what you were expecting to hear, I know.” she was feeling lightheaded herself. 

“No,” he breathed out. “Not at all.” He looked up and laughed, more out of shock than mirth. 

“How long?” he asked, not quite looking at her.

“About 10 weeks,” she said, leaving the answer hanging in the air rather than providing more information.

Neal sighed again, rubbing his hands down his face. He ran a hand through his hair a couple quick times before turning to her. 

“So, what now?” He was slightly tense, as if waiting for a blow. 

“I don’t know, honestly. My career is pretty important to me, as you know.” He nodded. Of course he did.

“And I’m a felon on work release who may or may not be free in a matter of weeks.” 

She knew the facts as well as Neal did; they were really talking around the issue. 

Sara knew Neal was too much of a gentleman to say the word. She couldn’t even imagine the word abortion coming out of Neal Caffrey’s perfect mouth. But he was waiting for her to say something. Sara was, by default, in control. 

“Neal, I don’t really know what I want to do. Obviously I never thought about being a parent, but I didn’t want to make any decisions until I spoke with you. Honestly, how do you feel about it?”

He looked pensive, and as usual, when he opened his mouth, he surprised her again. 

“I always wanted to be a dad. But after Kate I didn’t think I’d get that chance.” He stared into space, and right when Sara opened her mouth, he started talking again. 

“I want to be honest with you. If I don’t get this commutation, I don’t know what type of father I would be. The only thing I know about my father is that he was a criminal. I don’t want another child to end up in that cycle.”

Sara was speechless as she tried to process this new information about him. 

On the one hand, he was saying basically what she wanted to hear. On the other hand, Neal was always holding a card that only he knew about. 

“I’m sensing there’s more you want to say,” Sara prompted hoping that he would elaborate rather than change the subject.

Neal sighed, but started speaking again. 

“I’m not sure that I necessarily want to be a father. But with the life I live, I don’t know if I’d get another chance. New York is home to me, now. If I were to put down roots, here is where I would want to do it.”

At this point, Sara was more confused than ever. Neal kept speaking, seemingly oblivious to her dilemma. 

“I think that if it's possible, if you agree, we should wait until after the commutation to make a decision. On whether or not to have the baby. Is that okay?” He looked at her questioningly, and she realized she had to answer him. 

Her first thought was no. No way. She didn’t come here to let Neal make the decisions, and tell her how to live her life. She came to let him know. Just simply giving him information. It wasn’t his choice at all. In fact, she didn’t even have to tell him about it. She didn’t want a kid in the first place.

But he had been honest with her, and that was something she wasn’t expecting. He’d told her the truth about his father without her asking or prompting, and she knew that took some effort. From what she could see of Neal’s relationship with Peter, the man definitely had some father issues. The fact that he disclosed them at all showed a side of Neal she’d never seen. 

A side that might, actually, make a good father. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. After all, if Neal’s sentence was commuted, he wouldn’t be tethered to a radius anymore. He would be free of what he jokingly called his ‘two-mile leash’.

He could come over Sara’s at anytime to help with the baby, and it wouldn’t have to be under the watch or permission of Peter Burke. Not that she didn't like Peter, it was just that he was too involved in Neal’s life. He or Mozzie had probably crashed a month’s worth of dates between the two of them. 

“Okay,” she said, without thinking any more about it. “We’ll wait.” 

Unexpectedly, Neal swooped her up into a tight hug.

“Thank you Sara,” he said into her hair. 

“Mmhmm, yeah. No big deal,” She murmured back. She wasn’t really thinking anymore. Once she’d realized what she was agreeing to, part of her brain had shut off. Yep, she had just agreed to maybe have ‘World’s Greatest Con-man’ Neal Caffrey’s baby.


	3. Chapter 3

After Sara and Neal’s conversation things got busy for the both of them. Neal and Peter got bogged down with a case that Neal was undercover for most of, while Sara had issues of her own to deal with. 

One being the surprising amount of contact from Neal since their conversation. Since they had both agreed to keep the situation under wraps, he wasn’t coming to visit her, or calling about it over an open phone line, but before he went undercover he would text her around twice a week, just saying inconsequential things like ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’ from unlisted numbers. 

If she wasn’t so busy trying to convince herself that she didn’t have morning sickness, she might have taken the time to think about how sweet, if utterly out of character, that was for Neal, or at least the Neal Caffrey she knew. 

In between the time of “The Conversation” as she now dubbed it in her head, and the upcoming commutation, Sara realized she still had another person to call. Peter Burke. She had hoped she could avoid another interaction with Peter.

Peter Burke, ever the investigator, would know something was off with her the minute she got on the phone. If not from the subject matter (as always, Neal,) then from the tired scratchiness of her voice. She would just have to employ all the skills she had picked up from Neal in order to keep her secret. Peter absolutely couldn’t know, and she wasn’t going to let him. 

She waited until she got home about three days before the commutation to call Peter. She was maybe a little hungry, but she could never tell anymore. Enough mishaps had befallen her that she had decided to wait until the conversation was over to chance her small dinner of a yogurt cup and fruit. 

It rang twice before he picked up.

“Peter Burke.” 

“Hi Peter, it’s Sara,” she said trying to sound nonchalant, and not nervous as hell. 

“Sara, good evening. I would say this is a surprise, but I was kind of hoping to hear from you. Before now, but I’m glad you called either way.” Peter said happily.

“Oh yeah, well I’ve been pretty busy with cases, but I remembered the date and decided to call you.” Not really a lie, but not the whole truth either. 

“Right of course. So, this is about Neal’s commutation, right?” Peter asked her magnanimously. She knew he knew the answer, but she didn’t want to seem annoyed. People’s voices changed with their emotions, Neal had told her once.

“Yes, I’d like to be a witness at his commutation hearing.” Flawless, she thought.

“Oh Sara, that’s great. I’m sure Neal will be happy about that. So I take it you spoke to him.”

No, she just wanted to surprise him. Of course, this was an interrogation tactic. Sara hardly thought that Peter knew he was fishing for more information. It was probably a reflex for him at this point. 

“Yes, we spoke a little while ago, everything went well.” As well as could be expected, given the circumstances. 

“Hmm, that’s good.” She could tell that Peter wanted to ask more questions, and for a moment her whole body went tense, trying to think of whatever she could to answer what he might ask, but she didn’t have to.

“Well, I’ll put your name in tomorrow morning, and you should get a call by end of business letting you know the logistics of when and where to arrive.”

“Okay, sounds like a plan,” she said positively. She made it through .Just when she was about to say goodbye, Peter spoke again. 

“Sara?”

“Yes Peter?”

“After the hearing, whichever way it may go, We’re getting together at my house . I don’t know whether it will be to celebrate or commiserate, but Elizabeth is ordering a cake and there will be plenty of wine to go around either way. You should come.” His speech was tentative, but required an answer all the same. 

“Okay Peter. I’ll consider it. Thanks for the invite.” She hung up the phone and thought about the offer while she was getting her yogurt from the fridge.

The party would most likely consist of Elizabeth, Peter, June and Mozzie; Neal’s ‘family’. She had never considered herself a part of that circle, always on the outside looking in. If she were to have his baby, these would be the people he would tell. The people that would buy gifts and come to the hospital to see them. Even as a con with no connections, Neal had managed to make some in New York. 

Sara didn’t have that. In fact, she didn’t have much of a family at all. Not that she thought on it much. She was so young when her sister, Emily had run away. She barely remembers the time surrounding her disappearance. 

Sara had gone to a sleepover the night it happened. She remembers going home to see Emily, and tell her how much fun she’d had at her second sleepover ever, and entering her house to a bunch of policemen looking imposingly at her. She looked up to her father’s face to ask what was going on, but he was already by her crying mother’s side. 

When an officer had tried to come and speak to her, Sara ran off for her room, afraid and fearful of the situation. 

A clatter sounded, and Sara realized she had dropped her spoon. She bent down to pick it up and realized she had only eaten half of her yogurt. Half was better than nothing, she reasoned. She decided to call it a somewhat early night. 

Her dreams were restless and frightening. Nightmares about Emily and being so utterly alone that she woke up crying. Which was immediately followed by her running to the bathroom to be sick. 

After sitting on the floor for a moment she realized that there was no way she wanted to go back to sleep at this point. The small clock she kept in the bathroom let her know that with an hour left before she had to get up anyway, she might as well just start her day. 

In the shower, she took the time to assess her body. She didn’t feel pregnant. Mostly she just felt overly tired, as if she were fighting off some sickness that she couldn’t quite shake. The fact that this was Neal’s baby only made the whole thing seem more unreal than it already was. 

When did this become her life?


	4. Chapter 4

The morning of Neal’s commutation dawned just the same as every morning had since she and Neal had spoken. She got up and showered, and got dressed all without getting sick, which was somewhat of a feat for her. A week ago she had been afraid to eat anything at all, after a mishap while out on a case had her running into an alley to throw up. Neal had corresponded with her that morning, but she didn't think the two were correlated.

There were a few tense moments while she was brushing her teeth, but by the time she was about to leave she felt good enough to make some toast to go along with her tea. 

She had her interview at 12:30, and she had already scheduled her absence as an “appointment”, which, technically it was. She decided not to think about how, after tonight, she might be making many more appointments, even though they’d be for a much different reason. 

Sara’s day was progressing as normal. She got into her office, checked her email, and tried to fool herself into believing everything was okay. For the most part it was.

At least, until Neal showed up at her office door. 

Surprise would be an understatement. 

“Neal? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the hearing?” He didn’t smile, but quickly entered her office.

“Sara, I need your help. Kramer is trying to railroad me.” He looked ruffled, and if Sara knew one thing about Neal, it was that he never looked ruffled.

“What’s wrong?” She said tense and ready for action. She didn’t know what she could do to help him, but she was prepared to try. 

He quickly explained to her the situation with the coded letters and the Rafael. After some victorious crowing from her, and a short but intense conversation with Philip J. Kramer, Sara was suddenly hit with the magnitude of the situation. For a few seconds, she felt like she might be sick. Neal sensed something was wrong and came closer to her. 

“Sara? You okay?” Oh great, he sounded worried. It would be just what she needed to throw up in front of him. She held up a hand to keep him back, before taking a deep breath and un-tensing her shoulders. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. This is pretty huge, huh?”

Neal didn’t pull any punches. “I could go back to jail for this. For a long time. Probably forever.” He looked as nervous as she felt, and she couldn’t help but think that he was stalling. 

“Then Neal, you should get going! What are you waiting for?” Instead of leaving, he walked further towards her, crouching down in front of her.

“Sara, are you feeling alright? Is everything okay with, you know...the baby?” He was tentative, and she could tell that he wasn't sure if he was crossing some proprietal line. As much as her first instinct was to snap at him or blow him off, his hand was grounding on her knee,keeping her in the here and now. 

Here, as in her office. Now, with Neal by her side. 

“I'm okay Neal, I'm just worried I guess. About you.”

He almost grinned in surprise, but managed to check his emotion before he let it slip. 

“Oh Sara, you don’t have to worry about me. I always have a plan. Or half of one anyway.” This time he did grin, and though it was a part of the Caffrey mask, Sara found herself smiling along with him. She also felt herself getting teary, which was just not okay. Especially when his smile slipped back into concern. 

“Sara?” 

“I’m fine Neal, but you’ve got to get going.” She stood from her chair, forcing him to back up out of her personal space. He took it for the dismissal it was. 

“Okay, you’re right. I’ll get out of here.” Before she could say anything else, Neal grabbed her up into a hug, surprising her with a chaste kiss on the cheek before walking towards the door. 

Right as she thought he would leave he hesitated. 

“Listen, Sara, there’s going to be a party at Peter’s later, after the hearing. I still don’t know how it’s going to go, but…”

“I’d love to go with you.” She said before he could speak further. “Good luck today.” 

“Thanks,” Neal said, finally walking out of her office. He looked back one last time putting his hand against the glass of her office door before finally heading towards the emergency exit of the floor. 

Sara returned to her desk and tried to regain her focus on the day. She still had an hour and a half before her appearance at the hearing. 

When she finally did arrive at her hearing, she was almost late. The cab ride over to the building where the hearing was to take place wasn’t particularly smooth, and Sara found herself losing the small amount of breakfast she felt up to eating that morning. 

The few minutes she took in the bathroom to make herself look unruffled and presentable had her arriving in the hallway right at 12:30 and 31 seconds, just in time for her to be called into the room.


	5. Chapter 5

“What changed?” 

When the prompter asked her the question, Sara had to think only for a moment. What she thought of was Neal being honest with her when they they spoke a few weeks ago. What she thought of was the consistent text messages asking how she felt over the time since then. She thought of that morning, and his hand on her office door. 

“Neal did.” Sara said confidently. After that she didn’t have any qualms or reservations about the fact that Neal should be free. 

Yes, her testimony had once helped to put him in prison. Yes, she used to view him as an arrogant sociopath. He still might be that. But after all of the things he’d done or hadn’t done, Sara realized that Neal had never intended to hurt her, only to help her. 

Leaving the commutation hearing, Sara felt like she had said and done all the right things to help Neal to get out of jail. Of course, the circumstances surrounding his opportunity for commutation were suspicious, but Neal had told her that the morning he found out about it, he was fully expecting to go to jail, and for Peter to be the one to take him there. 

That was another surprise for Sara, the Neal she once knew would have done anything to avoid jail, and owning up to his own mistakes. 

The rest of Sara’s day was uneventful. She didn’t want to go out on cases, afraid she’d be too keyed up to focus. Instead of letting her field quota take a hit, she decided to devote her day to paperwork instead. 

It was a lucky thing she did, especially when her building was converged upon by a slew of FBI agents including Philip Kramer and Peter Burke, with Neal in the middle. Sara watched from the sidelines, as she already knew the words to this play.

Peter had been in her office moments before, working out the logistics of the con with her and her boss. Sara felt oddly detached from the whole situation, more like she was watching a movie than actually taking part in another elaborate con, set into motion by Neal. 

It wouldn’t go on forever. Neal would be free later tonight, and she’d never have to tread into any legal or moral grey areas for him again. 

As the FBI began to filter out of her building, Sara retreated back to her office. She could feel herself wanting to cry, for some reason, and she wasn’t going to give Kramer or any of his cronies the satisfaction of knowing she had been shaken up. 

Once upstairs instead of retreating to her office she instead went into the single bathroom, the benefit it held was that it had a door with a lock, and no glass walls to expose her to anyone that could be walking by. 

She took a few deep breaths and blew her nose, not wanting to give the heavy feeling in her head too much space to take over. She still had two hours left of work, and she wanted to get out of the office at five on the dot. 

She was going to get herself together and go to Neal’s party, and then they would talk about their ‘situation’ later. 

After wiping her face she left the bathroom and got a few more reports finished for her boss. This way, if he decided to look back at what she had accomplished over this day it wasn’t only a dubious appraisal that really added up to ‘helping a work release convict evade jail once again’. 

She left the office at 5:04, thanks to an elevator that wanted to be slower than normal, and pulled out her phone to call Neal. She had turned it off after she had gone back into her office, determined not to think of what Neal might be up to when she had work of her own to do. 

She didn’t have any messages or missed calls, but she was only half expecting to. It had been a big day for all of them, and Neal probably didn’t want to worry her any more. 

So instead of calling him, she decided to surprise him. She stopped and grabbed an expensive bottle of wine, half for Neal and half as a hostess gift for Elizabeth. As a caterer to high profile clients, Elizabeth would appreciate a good vintage as much, if not more than Neal. 

Sara decided to walk the few blocks from the parlor she was at to Neal’s apartment. It was a nice day, nearing summer, and she felt like enjoying the sun. 

She was so wrapped up in enjoying the moment that she didn’t even take into account the government cars that started to appear down the block from June’s mansion. The people in suits bustling past her didn’t phase her either, until someone blocked her right as she was getting to the steps.

“I’m sorry miss Ellis you can’t go any further,” an FBI agent said to her.

“What’s going on? I’m just here to see a friend?” 

“This is an active crime scene at the moment.” 

Before Sara could ask another question, the doors to the palatial house opened and she saw Peter and Diana Berrigan step out. Diana looked over and locked eyes with her before shaking her head with a grimace. 

Her look said it all. Neal was gone. 

Sara immediately turned around before Peter could see her and fled in the other direction. After everything she’d done for Neal that day, he still left, with no explanation. 

Even while knowing about the baby, even while persuading her to keep it; he left. 

She threw away the wine bottle, (a mistake, it was expensive) and fought angry tears as she hailed a taxi. 

She wasn’t going to let this happen to her. Even though her emotions felt as though they were on a shifting sea, her mind was clear. She couldn’t have this baby, and she wouldn’t. She gave the cab driver the address to the clinic she had researched weeks before.


	6. Chapter 6

Waiting in the clinic, Sara only felt isolation. 

Peter had called her in the cab, but she ignored it. She couldn’t factor him into her plans at the moment. 

After the fifth ignored call he got the message. 

Now she was sitting in the nearly empty clinic, in her work clothes, feeling more exposed than she had on her first gynecologist visit. Something else that she had had to do alone. 

Her mother hadn’t really spoken to her about what women were supposed to do. Most of her early knowledge about puberty had been gained through her sister’s old magazines, her few friends at school and television. 

Of course her mother was around, but she wasn’t always what you would call ‘present’ with Sara. At least not after Emily left. 

Before she could think too much more she was called back. A nurse took all her vitals before leaving her in the room. 

Sara hugged herself briefly before straightening up. She was just here for a simple procedure, women did things like this all of the time. She would be in and out before the evening was over, and she wouldn’t be walking around with a reminder of Neal Caffrey for everyone to see

The doctor came in, a brisk older woman with glasses, and sat down with her. 

The woman calmly explained to Sara that at fifteen weeks, she was too far into her second trimester for the clinic to perform the procedure. She would not be able to legally terminate her pregnancy. 

Sara felt her blood freeze as the doctor kept talking to her. She nodded and agreed with everything the doctor was saying, despite being in a fog. 

Yes she had a primary care doctor, no she could arrange for her own transportation. She took the pamphlets she was handed and called a cab service before leaving to watch for the cab. 

When she was finally inside of her apartment, Sara sat heavily on a kitchen chair. 

Tears threatened for the third time that day, and as she stared into her lap she could see the pamphlets she had been given by the doctor, depicting mothers and children smiling. She could also see her good rose gold bracelet, reminding her that she had thought she would be celebrating by this time. 

But she wasn’t. Neal was gone, and not only did she have no warning, she had no idea where he’d gone. She was alone, and before she could stop it she was sitting in her chair, sobbing.

By the time she got herself under control she had a headache, and her nose was stuffed up. She decided to check her phone again. No more calls, from any number, not even a text. 

Of course, she shouldn’t have expected one. The only thing from Neal were his messages from the past few weeks, including the one from that morning. 

Anger flared in her again and she hovered her finger over the delete button for a full 30 seconds before she set the phone down and headed for the bathroom. 

A hot shower was the only thing that would help her now. That and going to bed so she could end this day before it had a chance to get any worse. 

~~~~~

For the past few weeks, Sara had been a sound sleeper, and didn’t have many dreams that she remembered. But this night was different. 

She dreamed that she was in her Emily’s bedroom, at age 13. The same age she was when Emily left. Emily had had a bird, named Charlie. 

When Emily left, Sara tried to take care of Charlie. in between trying to help her parents and the police find Emily, she was tired, and couldn’t really interact with him. He was always flitting around the room, probably looking for Emily, the same way she was.

She noticed that Charlie had started to deteriorate, but just thought he needed more sun, or more fresh air. She moved his cage closer to the window. None of that helped though. It didn’t help her to spend so much time in Emily’s room either. She even left the cage and window open one day, hoping that Charlie would just fly away.

He didn’t, but one day after school she found his cage empty, and her father told her he had died while she was at school. He seemed like he wanted to talk to her about it, but she retreated immediately to her room. 

She didn’t go into Emily’s room after that. 

In her dream though, she found herself there. Charlie’s cage was where she had moved it near the window. 

She walked towards it, and instead of it being empty, she saw Charlie on the edge of the cage, dead.

She was shocked and scared to see him there, though he didn’t look far from what she remembered. She didn’t have to experience his death before, he was just gone. 

Just like Neal. This very real thought was what jolted Sara out of her nightmare, sheets drenched in a cold sweat. For a moment she felt like she would be sick, and she leaned over her bed just in case. 

She could still see Charlie’s dead body in her mind’s eye. 

She laid back across her pillows and caught her breath for a moment. She wasn’t going to be able to sleep in her bed, she realized. Not after what happened in her dream. 

She lugged herself upwards and went to wash her face before going the the couch and turning on the television. An infomercial was on, but she didn’t have to worry about that long. She was asleep as soon as her head hit the couch pillow. 

~~~~~~

Waking up the next morning was more than a chore for Sara.

Her head felt heavy, and she knew with the way she was feeling she wasn’t going to be able to work today. 

She got up and quickly visited the bathroom before going into the bedroom.. She picked up her phone and sent a quick email into work before flopping back across her bed. She was going to take a personal day.

Sara was asleep before she could even get the the covers over her. Her sleep was dreamless, allowing her to finally get some much needed rest. 

When she got up again it was 1:30 in the afternoon. She didn’t think that she would sleep that long, having awoken around 8, but she was glad for the rest. 

Sara was going to have to think about a lot of things soon .Like was she going to leave work once the baby was born? Would she even keep the baby?

There was always adoption that was something she had considered in the weeks before she spoke to Neal but hadn’t given it much thought since their conversation. 

But she would still have to explain her pregnancy to her boss; sooner rather than later. Whether she should disclose it to the whole office was another matter entirely. 

Sara would rather have people thinking she was fat than to have them know the real truth about her situation. Not only would her reputation be irreparably damaged, she would lose all credibility. Neal’s was a high profile case early in her career that had helped to put her on the map somewhat in her office. 

And here he was, messing up her life again. She hadn’t thought of him much since yesterday, but thinking of him now, a little more clear headed, she could evaluate her feelings somewhat.

Anger was still at the forefront of her emotions, but she also felt betrayal. To have everything they had said to each other, especially the information about his childhood, and his true feelings about being a father, come to nothing more than empty words stung in a different sort of way. 

Sara felt abandonment too; in a way she hadn’t since Emily. Her dream was much less surprising when she put it into that context. Neal had promised to be there for her, for a baby he claimed to want. And now he’d left her high and dry, without so much as a note. 

He probably left something for Peter. If he’d wanted to he could have left a message for her too. There was a real allure to going to Neal’s apartment one last time, but she knew that even now it would still be crawling with FBI, and that wasn’t something she was eager to be in the middle of.

She’d been a part of that rodeo before. And after all of her involvement in yesterday she could very well be seen as an accomplice to Neal’s disappearance. 

She should have known better than to let him into her heart or her life again, Neal never stayed in one place for too long. Even when they dated the first time she found herself tied up in his schemes with no way to escape except to see it through to the end. 

This situation was similar, except she was the willing mark that was screwed over. 

She picked up her phone again, and this time deleted Neal’s messages from her phone. She almost went the extra and deleted his contact as well. It wasn’t like she’d get any more messages from his number. She may well never see him again. 

Thinking that way still caused a pang of sadness inside her, and again, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Instead, she got out a pen and paper and started to write her plan for the next 25 weeks.


	7. Chapter 7

Once Sara had written out her plan for weeks 16 to 40 of her pregnancy, things became just a bit easier for her. She would tell her boss about the situation next week, but wait another week to tell her assistant. Word would get around the office from there. 

Neither of them needed to know the true story of how she got pregnant, but it took her some time to decide on a cover story. 

Her first thought was to go with invitro-fertilization. It would make sense, seeing as she was single, and one of her exes was dead while the other was...somewhere in the world. Hopefully somewhere cold, and raining. Her mind provided the non-sequitur of hoping Mozzie was with him. 

He obviously would be with his balding best friend. At least that meant she wouldn’t run into him on the streets of New York. He would instantly know her predicament, and she wanted him to know even less than she wanted her boss to know. 

But invitro made it sound like she wanted to keep the baby, and she had already decided that was out. With her current luck the baby would end up looking like a carbon copy of Neal, and that would probably be the most incriminating thing of all for her. 

Surrogacy made more sense. To claim that she was carrying a child for someone else was also out of the ordinary for Sara; she didn’t have many friends that her coworkers knew about, and definitely not any close enough that she would carry their child. 

She certainly didn’t need the money from surrogacy. But she was older, and lots of women felt the urge to have babies around her age. At least three of her college friends had answered the siren call of motherhood in the last five years. 

She wasn’t one of them, but it was a role she’d have to play if she wanted to pull off this con. 

Ugh, she was even thinking like Neal now. 

She supposed she could cut herself some slack, she’d been trying to keep up with him since he’d waltzed back into her life four months ago. Of course she’d still be trying to keep up with his spectre. 

She called her Ob/gyn and scheduled a few appointments in advance, and then put them into her projected work schedule. 

No need to seem unorganized if she wanted people to take this situation seriously. She would stick to office work, or working from her apartment. She’d have to go for the less high-profile cases for a while, at least until she didn’t have to think about keeping another life safe as well. 

Her stomach rumbled, and since she was thinking about it, she decided to place an order for some groceries. No way was she going out today. 

After Sara got down her plan, which admittedly got less defined as the list went on, she decided to shower. It would help her to wash her hair and cleanse herself from the day before. 

The shower helped her to have a bit of a clearer head, but what happened when she got out of the shower was almost enough to send her into a tailspin again. 

Her pants didn’t fit. It wasn’t even her work slacks, or an inline skirt. These were yoga pants, which were meant to have more stretch than normal. 

This was going to be a problem. Before she could get too far into her head Sara remembered a place she had passed earlier that year, a cute looking maternity boutique called _Lullabye_. 

At least she wouldn’t have to sacrifice her sense of fashion for Neal, as well. 

She called and scheduled herself for a fitting. They couldn’t take her for at least a week, which meant she also had to call her dry cleaners. If she was going to keep up her facade for the next few weeks, she was going to have to keep her appearance impeccable. 

At least it was Friday, and she wouldn’t have to officially be in the office for another three days. 

She found a bigger pair of sweatpants in the back of her closet. They must have belonged to Brian at some point and got left behind. She wouldn’t need them long. Just long enough to get her through today.


	8. Chapter 8

The next few weeks passed without too much fanfare for Sara. She was able to speak to her boss personally without too much fanfare, and that helped her to feel as though she had some type of control over the situation. 

The ladies at _Lullabye_ were discreet and friendly when she came in for a fitting, and helped her to find a few items for her wardrobe without breaking her bank too much. They even explained to her a special maternity plan that they had, where an expectant mother could bring in previous purchases and upsize or exchange them when they were outgrown. 

Her doctor was pleased with her progress. She had heard her baby’s heartbeat and it was a little unnerving, that there was a life inside of her. Her doctor also answered her questions about the adoption process. She had already visited a few of the places, but they didn’t seem like the right fit. 

She was assured that it was normal to be apprehensive. Some mothers went through the entire process and ultimately change their minds at the last minute. 

Sara didn’t think she would be one of those, but she nodded along with the information she was given.

She was even doing some field work. Not much, but she was doing some research, tailing a known associate of one of Sterling-Bosch’s clients. 

It wasn’t any heavy lifting and even put her in a nice area to do some shopping. She decided that she would call it a day, and see what Saks had to offer her. 

She immediately moved to the wardrobe department, and she even picked up a nice suit before realizing she couldn’t even wear what she had picked up for many more weeks yet. Her body was expanding, and on this day her outfit showed her suddenly expanding middle. 

She put the outfit back and wandered through the aisles. Eventually she found herself in the maternity and newborn department. The outfits that she saw were elegant, but extremely expensive. Much more pricey than what she found at _Lullabye_.

The baby clothes were something a little different though. They weren’t the little onesies that could be found at Target or Macy’s. These were velvet and even cashmere. It seemed pointless, babies were just going to drool or mess up the fabrics in other ways, but these could also be used for portrait purposes she supposed. 

She was making her way through the aisle, looking at the surprising amount of name brand baby clothes when she heard her name called by quite possibly the last person on earth she thought she would see. 

Peter Burke.

She froze in the middle of picking up a chic bib. Peter couldn’t know about this. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since Neal’s disappearance. She couldn’t deal with his questions or possible incriminations now. 

“Sara! Hey, Sara!” He was getting closer to her, and she knew if she tried to escape she wouldn’t be able to. Her balance wasn’t what it used to be. 

She put the bib down and looked over at him as he made his way to her side. Maybe if she didn’t make any sudden moves he wouldn’t look down. 

“Peter, I’m surprised to see you in Saks,” she said cooly, hoping to catch him off guard and keep him off the subject of her predicament, or Neal. 

“Yeah, embezzlement case has me out here. Its nice to get out of the office, actually. It’s been hell lately.” 

She could see the truth of that in his face. He looked tired, and kind of lost. She had been so determined to not think of Neal she never spared a thought for Peter and what might be going on in the fallout of Neal’s flight. 

“You’re okay though right? Still got your job?” It would have been rude of her not to ask him, but she didn’t really care, she just wanted to make just the right amount of small talk to be able to extract herself without Peter figuring her out. 

“Yeah, there’s just been a lot of investigation, that I’m being kept out of the loop of, so it hasn’t really gotten easier for me, but I’m making it through,” Peter said. He shrugged before scanning around where they were standing. 

“What about you Sara, I wouldn’t have expected to find you in the baby...aisle…” Peter’s voice tapered off as his eyes finally fell on the item in Sara’s hands, and her stomach right after that. 

She dropped the bib she’d been holding as if it were on fire. Her hands went to her small baby bump, incriminating her even further. 

“Sara?” Peter framed her name in the form a question, but she didn’t want to answer it.

“Great catching up with you Peter, see you later,” she turned to rush away, but the strap of her purse caught on the table, giving Peter a chance to grab her wrist lightly, but firmly. 

“Sara, when did-how, uh, what I mean is,” 

As much as she wanted to leave him to flounder, she didn’t want this embarrassing display to continue an further.

“Peter, please. Yes, it’s Neal’s baby. He knew about it.” 

Peter looked anguished. “Sara I’m so sorry. He never even said anything, and he just-just left you-”

“We hadn’t decided what we were going to do. We were going to…”

“The night of the commutation,” he finished for her. His face was doing a lot of things and he looked like he might cry. She wanted to console him, but she also needed him to understand. 

“Peter, I’m okay. But I’m going to ask you to keep this between the two of us. Please don’t tell Elizabeth. Or Neal.”

“I-I haven’t seen him, or-”

“I know you’re looking for him. I don’t want him to be involved in my life anymore. He gave up that right.” She hoped that she sounded firm enough. She didn’t want Peter misconstruing her words. He huffed, but nodded his head. 

“I understand Sara.” He wanted to say more, she could tell. He held his tongue though, and she was grateful for that. She was more than ready to get out of there. 

“Well Peter, it was good seeing you. I’m glad you’re alright. I’m going to get going now.” He didn’t make any moves to stop her, but did speak one last time.

“Sara. If you need anything, anything at all I’m only a call away. You know that.” 

“Yeah, I do.” 

She hurried off, not wanting Peter to see her start tearing up.


	9. Chapter 9

Seeing Peter had been difficult for her, to say the least, but she didn’t have much time to think on it between researching her cases and going to _Lullabye_ and her doctors appointments. 

Her doctor had been impressed with her progress at her last visit, and at her next appointment she would be getting a sonogram. She had declined it when asked the first time, but after seeing a particularly cute mother and baby leaving the grocery store, she had decided she wanted to see who might be growing inside of her.

Her doctor even told her that she could find out the sex of the baby at her next appointment. Sara didn’t know why, but she imagined that she was carrying a little girl. 

She had attempted to be detached about her pregnancy, but since seeing Peter she wasn’t so sure about her decision to give up the baby for adoption. 

It wasn’t like she had much family. Since her parents passed and she graduated college, she had become used to living alone. But now, seeing what life was like with a baby, what it could be like, she was starting to warm to the idea.

A cynical part of her mind told her that it was hormones, that she might feel different once it was out and she was a single parent raising a convict’s baby alone. A different part of her let her believe that anything was possible.

She didn’t give too much credence to the voices in her head though, and preferred to take things as they came. 

The day she finally did get her sonogram, she was tired. 

She had stayed up too late researching for a case that was spread between New York and Philadelphia, and wanted to prove that she had useful information to contribute, even though she wouldn’t be traveling. 

When she was informed that her ‘condition’ had played a role in the decision, Sara went above and beyond to prove that though she wouldn’t be physically present, she would still be the most valuable member of the team working the case. 

It paid off when she received an email with a commendation for her thoroughness from the case agents in Philadelphia. At least she knew her job was secure. 

Sitting on the cot while waiting for the doctor, she could only think about what would change in her life. The baby would need a crib, and toys, and a high chair. Would she have to move to accommodate the stairs to her apartment, or could she make it work? 

Would she need a car seat if she didn’t have a car? 

The doctor came in and startled her from her reverie. 

“Ms. Ellis, we can begin now,” 

~~~~  
Sara was awed when she got to see the baby. She spent the entire cab ride home thinking about the little girl growing inside of her. She had smiled when she found out the gender of the baby, surprised and excited to find out that she had been right about the gender. 

She was going to have a little girl. She felt more connected to the baby than she ever had, somehow, knowing that small fact. She hadn’t fully admitted it to herself yet, but she wasn’t planning on calling the adoption agency anytime soon. 

She was considering the possibility of being a mother to her little girl, rather than leaving another child to be abandoned, like Sara herself had been. It wasn’t physical abandonment, but it hurt the same way. 

Even though her daughter wouldn’t know her father, as far as Sara was concerned, there wasn’t anything she needed to know about Neal Caffrey. She didn’t think she would even tell her his name. 

Before going home she asked the cab to make one more stop. After all of their support, she couldn’t let the day go by without sharing her news or her photo with the ladies of _Lullabye_.


	10. Chapter 10

A day later, Sara was feeling even more tired that she had been before. She hoped that she wasn’t coming down with something. It was Saturday, and she had a lot of things to do. 

It had been six weeks since Neal had left Manhattan. Six weeks that had been filled with self doubt and fear, but also with surprises and reassurances. 

She’d found a few new friends in the ladies from the maternity boutique and she was even beginning her search for nursery furniture. Six months ago, if you had told Sara Ellis she was going to be a mother, she would have laughed at you. Now she was laughing at herself, and how easy her acceptance of her child had been.

All it took was seeing the sonogram. 

Sara left her house and began her errands, deciding to walk to the subway rather than take a cab to her destination. It was a warm sunny day, and she wanted to enjoy it. 

She spent a wonderful day out, and even spent a good amount of time in the park. 

Stopping to get groceries before going home took a little more out of her than she expected, but she compensated for that by taking a cab home. 

It was late in the day when she got home, and the sun seemed to be sweltering on her back and her feet throbbed as she got out of the cab. 

This was just going to be her life now. 

She struggled up the steps with a bag of groceries, determined to get to the top. Stupid Neal Caffrey. All he ever did was make her suffer. Sara wished she hadn’t denied the help of the gentleman who had been going down the steps earlier. 

She wasn’t going to let this best her though. She only had one flight of steps left to conquer, but right then she felt a painful cramp that had her dropping her groceries. 

Something was wrong, she could tell. She grabbed onto one of the steps as she tried to balance herself to no avail. She thought she could hear a door, but she was consumed by another painful cramp and was forced to lower herself down to the stairs underneath her. 

While trying to breathe she heard a door open. The pain was unbearable at that point, and she just wanted it to stop. She felt dizzy, and was glad she wasn’t standing anymore. 

“Miss? Miss are you alright?” 

Sara couldn’t answer, she felt as though her insides were getting torn apart. 

“You’re bleeding, miss….ambulance...okay?” Sara’s hearing went in and out with her pain levels as she struggled to stay conscious.

She knew she wasn’t going to last much longer and grabbed at the person talking to her, finally finding her voice. 

“My...baby…” she breathed out to them, before passing out entirely. 

~~~~~~~  
Sara next awoke in a hospital bed. She felt the cloudy haze that indicated she was on pain medication, and her hands instantly flew to her stomach. She didn’t feel right. 

Before she could fully get her thoughts together, a doctor came in to speak with her. 

The doctor explained that she had had a miscarriage, and went into the medical causes of what happened but Sara couldn’t take in any of it. 

All she knew was she was without her baby, and she was devastated. 

She was alone yet again. She wouldn’t be a mother, and that was that. The doctor explained that they would prefer to keep her overnight for observation, but Sara declined, and was able to sign herself out AMA. She agreed to come back if she felt like something was wrong but she knew it was a lie. 

She just wanted to go home and never leave again. Calling a cab was stressful for no reason, and she almost broke down completely when she got to her front door. 

Though it had only been a few hours, Sara was upset and harrowed by what had happened to her. She took the elevator to her apartment. 

Once inside she made a beeline for her room. Without even taking off her shoes, she fell across her bed and cried herself to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

The next weeks passed in a blur for Sara. She barely left her apartment, making excuses at work, and she let her apartment become a mess. 

Every time she thought she might clean up, she found something else that reminded her of the baby. 

Once she even found an old handkerchief of Neal’s and that sent her into a hysterical crying jag that lasted almost an hour. She knew that her hormones would still be out of control even at this stage, but she didn’t want to have the physical reminder of her baby continuing to haunt her. 

Her boss had called many times, but one passably coherent email to her assistant fixed that problem for her. 

She knew that she was getting to a bad place mentally. She was having vivid near-horrific nightmares that sometimes had her up screaming. She was in a worse place than she was even when her parents had died. 

While she knew that it wasn’t her fault that she had lost her baby, she couldn’t help the feeling of despair that engulfed her whenever she would think about her short pregnancy. 

Maybe it was because she had once been so eager to terminate, that she was now feeling guilt at the fact that the baby was gone. 

She couldn’t blame this on Neal. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain she was dealing with. Typical of him anyway, to get out of a responsibility once again. 

~~~  
It was on yet another day spent staring blearily at the television in Brian’s sweatpants that Sara’s fragile balance was shattered yet again. 

The knock on her apartment door wasn’t surprising, she had ordered food at some earlier point in the day. 

What was surprising was the voice behind it, which had her stopping short of the foyer. 

“Sara, are you there? Sara, It’s me Neal!”

Sara was frozen in place, unable to get her thoughts together. Neal was back? When had he come back? Did he know about what happened with the baby? How could he? NO one knew but her, of that she was sure. 

“Sara, I can hear the tv, I know you’re home. Please don’t make me pick the lock,” Of course, he’d threaten her with breaking and entering. She haphazardly ran a hand through her hair before unlocking the door, but not the chain. 

“What do you want Caffrey?” 

He only looked slightly taken aback by her use of his last name. 

“We’re on a last name basis now huh? I can work with that. But Sara, please let me in.”

“I’m not really in the habit of letting fugitive convicts into my home,” she said snarkily.

“Well you’ll be happy to know that this fugitive is a work-released convict for the past three weeks, and he’s just coming to make a personal call.” He pulled up the leg of his suit pants to show off his tracking anklet. 

“That’s nice Neal, but I really can’t see you right now-”

He interrupted her with the one thing he knew she wouldn’t ignore. “I talked to Peter, Sara, about the baby.” 

She slammed the door, instantly flushed with anger, but unlocked the chain and let him in anyway. She turned once he was inside, and decided to lead him to her kitchen, the only place that didn’t look like she’d slept in it, though she did have a good amount of dishes in the sink. 

She didn’t care. She couldn’t. He didn’t know what she was going through, and she wasn’t going to tell him. Not if she could help it, anyway. 

“Sara, are you okay?” 

She didn’t want to speak, but she almost didn’t have to. 

“Sara look, I’m sorry that I wasn’t here sooner. Peter only just told me about seeing you today. I had no idea that you’d kept the baby. I thought…”

He looked away from her and her anger flared. “You thought what? That you’d just leave and it would be okay? That I’d manage alright because that’s what I’d always done?” 

Neal didn’t have an answer, except to look ashamed. 

“Sara, I know I can’t make excuses for being gone. I didn’t want to leave you or the baby. I couldn’t call because I didn’t want to put you at risk. But I’m here now, and I just want to be a part of both of your lives.”

How long had he spent rehearsing that, she wondered. She wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easy. 

“Neal, you can save your platitudes. I’m not Peter. I’m sorry but there’s no place for you in my life.” She crafted her words to sting, but the truth of them hurt her as much as they visibly hurt Neal. 

“Sara, please I just want to know about the baby, that’s all I want to know and I’ll leave you alone,” He pleaded with her. 

“Neal, I’m not telling you about the baby because there is no baby!” She blurted out angrily. 

He was dumbstruck.

“What do you mean, no..”

“I lost it, okay? I had a miscarriage three weeks ago. I didn’t even know you were back. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have called you.”

He took the comment in silence, knowing that he deserved every bit of venom that she could hurl at him at that point. 

“Sara, I don’t know what to say.” He said at last. 

“There’s nothing to say, Neal. It is what it is.” She was defeated and exhausted, and she didn’t want to have this conversation anymore. She left the kitchen for her spot on the couch, and Neal followed. She ignored him and sunk back down into her seat, which by now had an indent from her days and nights of staying in the living room. 

Neal took in the tableau before him with a worried look. 

“Whatever you have to say, you might as well keep it to yourself. I know what this looks like.” She’d been floundering, and couldn’t bring herself out of it.

Neal wasn’t deterred by her attitude and sat next to her. Before she could blink he had hauled her up into a hug. 

“Caff-Neal-what are you doing?” She mumbled into his shoulder.

He didn’t answer, but released her shortly after. 

“Sara, I know nothing I could say or do is going to fix what I’ve broken between us. I don’t know what you’re going through, and I know I won’t ever know the whole story. But right now I just want you to get better.”

Well that was confusing. What was that supposed to mean, coming from him?

“Neal, I don’t really know what you mean.” 

“I know that I put you in a bad situation, but I can tell you haven’t really done much since this happened to you. You need to get out Sara. For your own sake.” 

She was embarrassed. She didn’t want to tell him that she had tried, but couldn’t bring herself to go back down the steps where it had happened. Even being in the hallway was hard for her at times. 

“I know,” was all she could manage to say. Tears threatened her again, and she tried fighting them, only to have a few drop of their own accord anyway Neal wiped them away for her. 

“Hey Sara, listen, I don’t want to upset you anymore, okay? I’m going to go. But I want you to call me, when you feel like you can. Or Peter, or Elizabeth.”

She laughed a little, understanding what he was trying to do, and appreciated it. 

“I know, I know, I’m laying it on thick. But you need someone to talk to Sara, you can’t hold this inside forever.” 

“Yeah Caffrey, I know,” And she did, she just wasn’t ready to admit it. 

“Good,” He got up, and looked like he wanted to lean in once more, but decided not to, before retreating for the door.

Sara stared at the door at where Neal had just disappeared. Of course he would be the one to attempt encouragement. It wasn’t like she had anyone else. 

Except Peter and Elizabeth, she supposed. They had never turned their backs on her before. It wasn’t going to be easy, and she didn’t know if Neal’s actions could ever be fully forgiven, but she was willing to find out. 

She turned on the couch before hearing another knock at the door. Of course, she forgot about her food. 

“I’m coming,” Sara called to the door. 

She got up but when she opened the door no one was there. Her food was on her welcome mat with a lily and a note attached to it. 

She didn’t have to think long to know who it was from. 

“You win this round Caffrey,” she said to herself while retrieving her food. 

Maybe tomorrow she’d see what was going on in the city. The park was quite nice this time of year.


End file.
